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NEW YORK--In what may be the single most drastic demographic change in the history of the United States, or even the world, up to 83% of America's youth were killed in one day by rap impressario Sean "P-Diddy" Combs.
"Man, I was taking a nap after waiting in line for three hours to vote yesterday afternoon when I heard noises down the hall," said Columbia University sophomore Ryan D'Antonio, 20. "I tried to ignore it and go back to sleep, but I was already awake, so I packed a bowl and played a round of Snood. Just when I was about to clear the board, I heard a scream, so I ran out to see what was going on."
Mr. D'Antonio was visibly upset as he continued. "She [fellow sophomore Nellie Adamson] was facedown and bleeding, with a knife sticking out of her back. As soon as I got out of my room, I saw Diddy run into the stairwell."
Ms. Adamson was not Mr. Combs's only presumed victim in the building. Freshman Scott Rosenberger was found dead in the men's room with a katana embedded in his chest. And sophomore Benjamin del Rios was discovered hanging from a noose in his closet. A Post-It note on his forehead read, "Diddy Runs the City."
Del Rios's roommate, Nathaniel Huntington, 19, nervously fingered his complimentary "I Voted Today" sticker as he described returning from voting and finding the body. He told Rhinosplode that he heard music that sounded almost exactly like the Police's "Every Breath You Take" through the closed door of his room. "I know Ben couldn't stand Sting, so I thought it was pretty weird that he'd be listening to that song so loudly. I figured maybe someone else was in the room and was bullying the CD player. Maybe they were getting psyched to go vote. I don't know. When I opened the door, Diddy ran into me and kept going. It was then that I feared the worst."
Stories like these are pouring in from all 50 states. An entire work shift at a Shreveport, LA Ben & Jerry's store was found crushed under an enormous slab of concrete. A group of self-described anarchists in Seattle was mercilessly slaughtered by an unknown assailant believed to be Combs or an associate. Pentagon officials declined to comment about rumors of entire Army divisions disintegrating after being shot with some sort of ray.
Combs is still at large and is considered by law enforcement sources to be "armed, dangerous, and partisan." Spokespeople for his numerous business holdings, including Bad Boy Entertainment and the Sean John clothing company, refused to be interviewed for this article.