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Shaffer/Lavery '04 Campaign Unveils Initial Platform

In these times of domestic and international uncertainty, a volatile economy, and increasing derision and partisanship among the major parties in the United States government, America’s voters yearn for a new voice, one that represents both their highest ideals and their everyday desires. America, your time has come. Bryan Shaffer and Jesse Lavery have a radical, utopian vision for America in the 21st Century, and they will do anything for your vote. Seriously.

Unlike Zeus Moscow’s Bull Moose Party and some of the other fence-sitting candidates in this year’s presidential election, Shaffer and Lavery have concrete goals with which to shape this new America. As their campaign manager, I am proud to unveil the first pieces of the Shaffer/Lavery political platform.

1) The total breakdown of Clear Channel Communications and Infinity Broadcasting.

If there are two things that really suck in America, its big corporations and 99% of what you find on the radio. These two crippling problems intersect and are defined by Clear Channel Communications and Infinity Broadcasting, media conglomerates that control a vast majority of America’s radio programming. Under the Bush regime, the FCC and Congress have pushed to give these corporate behemoths even more power to ruin the music you listen to on your daily commute. Under Bryan Shaffer and Jesse Lavery, this travesty will cease to exist. Using the Sherman Anti-Trust act and the mandate of the people, the Shaffer administration will completely dismantle these two corporations, allowing the American public to once again have a voice in what they here coming over the FM waves. The administration is also considering taxes and tariffs on bands such as Poison, The Rolling Stones, and KISS that continue to tour past their prime, as well as a 7 million dollar per album Creed tax.

2) Name Barbeque Sauce the official condiment of the United States of America

Mr. Shaffer and Mr. Lavery hold common ground on many issues- progressive politics, alt-country music, and especially grilled meats. Americans have longed for a national condiment since the founding of the Republic. The Shaffer/ Lavery campaign feels that no marinade, sauce, or spread imitates the delicious tang of freedom, the smoky satisfaction of liberty, and the unique zest of a free market economy like barbeque sauce. In the first 100 days of the campaign, Mr. Shaffer and Mr. Lavery will call upon the nation to submit a wide variety of barbeque sauce recipes that best represent the diverse traditions of American people, including vegan barbeque sauces for our vegetarian citizens. The candidates feel that this declaration of a national condiment will propel the American Experience into the next century.

3) Implement Universal Healthcare

As one of the most advanced, prosperous nations on the planet, it is both inexplicable and inexcusable that, as a nation, we do not provide basic needs for all of our citizens. Under Shaffer and Lavery, we will demonstrate the best aspects of our nation by implement a health care program that provides universal coverage for all Americans. The administration is currently working with some of the top minds in medicine, business, politics, and the economy to determine whether this program will take the form of a single-payer system, such as in Canada, or a safety net system, such as in Switzerland. Program specifics will, however, be made available to the public in the coming weeks. Regardless of program specifics, we feel that a universal health care program that is not tied to employers will benefit both the American people and American business. Individual citizens will be able to confidently pursue new job opportunities and contractual work as well as face the uncertainty of hard times knowing that they and their loved ones will be taken care of. At the same time, freeing businesses from the need to administer benefits will allow them to operate in a more efficient, productive manner.

4) Establishment of the Mandatory Happy Hour Establishment Act (MHHE)

America, we know you work hard all day providing essential financial, civic, and retail services, manufacturing goods the entire world relies upon, educating our children, and growing our food. After all of this, you deserve the right to consume discounted adult beverages and free tacos. This is why the Shaffer/Lavery campaign is demanding the establishment of the Mandatory Happy Hour Establishment Act, or MHHE. This executive order would require all establishments with a license to serve liquor to offer drink rebates, free munchies, and half price pool and/ or dart games from 5 to 8 pm each night of the week. The American people should not continue to be punished for putting in extra hours at the office or going to the gym after work by having their beer and whiskey prices inflated by the inevitable march of time. You know it, I know it, and Bryan Shaffer and Jesse Lavery know it, and they’ll fight for you, one pint and buffalo wing at a time.

5) Appointment of Sean Connery ambassador to Scotland

Since his early, pre-Bond work, Sean Connery has dedicated his life to bridging the gap between American and Scottish culture. We feel that both Mr. Connery and America should be rewarded for his service by appointing him United States ambassador to Scotland. We feel that Mr. Connery’s smooth, take-charge attitude could drive Amero-Scot relations to unprecedented levels of cooperation and communal proseperity. We also feel that the appointment of a non-citizen to a post in the federal government shows America’s renewed willingness to share the world stage with countries across the globe. Hey, Nixon did it with Kissinger, didn’t he?

6) Force MTV to play videos, particularly those approved by the Shaffer/Lavery cabinet

24 years ago, MTV reshaped the way that American culture listened to music. Sadly, that legacy has faded with the rise of Road Rules and Sorority Life. The Shaffer/Lavery campaign plans to put an end to this madness by decreeing that MTV must spend the vast majority of its on-air time playing music videos. Furthermore, videos from underappreciated artists, artists in fringe genres, and emerging artists will be given the kind of media support they deserve. This decree will be enforced by placement of National Guard troops outside the TRL studios in Times Square if necessary.

7) Appoint Bob and Doug McKenzie ambassadors to Canada

Let’s face it, most Americans are at best confused by Canada and more often just plain irritated. In order to breach this growing divide with our neighbors to the north, the Shaffer/Lavery administration would appoint Bob and Doug McKenzie ambassadors to Canada. These loveably unfair stereotypes of Canadians are just what Americans need in order to once again relate to our friends to the north. We realize that these are fictional characters, but considering the current career status of Rick Moranis and the other guy, we feel that they will be receptive to the idea of taking on the McKenzie mantle for the next four years.

8) Abolition, Creation, and Relocation of National Holidays

America is a country rooted in traditions, but over time, these traditions must evolve to reflect the ever-changing face of America. In an effort to fuel this evolution, the Shaffer/Laver is proposing the following changes to national holidays:

The Abolition of Columbus Day

Columbus was a stupid, racist, greedy, genocidal jerk, and the Shaffer/Lavery campaign does not feel that America should glorify such a cruel legacy with a national holiday. Therefore, beginning in 2005, Columbus Day will not be celebrated. We know that this may upset some Italo-Americans, but hey, you still have that Galileo, DaVinci, and that guy that invented the telegraph, so get over it.

The Creation of Man Day

While the Shaffer/Lavery cabinet fully supports both gender equality and the continued respect for diversity in American culture, the administration also feels that traditional American masculinity should be celebrated as a driving force behind the American ideal. This is why, on the Friday after Thanksgiving, while female America goes bargain hunting, American men shall take part in MAN DAY. MAN DAY activities include such things as the grilling of meat, the playing of poker, the drinking of beer and whiskey, the chopping of wood, and the blowing up of things. This sort of celebration of the masculine ideal in America will not only increase productivity, but also help flagging economic sectors such as the kielbasa industry, the dirty playing card industry, and the volatile explosive substances industry.
The Relocation of Labor Day

America has a proud tradition of hard work and organized labor. While these traditions should be celebrated at a more appropriate time. Does the American worker really want to be reminded that summer is over with a cruel, mocking holiday? No. What they do want is a Super Bowl environment where they can consume as much alcohol as they’d like without worrying about the next day’s consequences in their work place. This is why we propose that Labor Day be moved to the Monday immediately after the Super Bowl. This also will help America’s football fans avoid the workplace taunting that so often occurs the day after the big game, and will lead us to a more sensitive, respectful national culture.

Wait! Advice: Seven Digit Blues

Dear Doug,

I’ve been dating a guy for the past few months, and we’re at the point where I’m ready to start dropping the “boyfriend” bomb. He’s really great, a nice, funny guy that seems to like me a lot. But there’s one problem- he tends to say he’s going to call me and then my phone never rings. I’m enough of a dork to admit that I do stare at the celly waiting for my man to call. When I ask him about it, he always says he forgot to call or that he just didn’t have the energy to talk to me. Is this a warning sign that I should hold off before things get any more serious?

Sincerely,

Call Waiting

Dear Waiting,

Didn’t Paula Abdul write a song about this? Something about waiting by the phone, and then that rapping animated cat kicks in with something? Even if she didn’t do that particular song, there’s a whole catalogue of songs about waiting by the telephone. My favorite is—oh wait, you wanted advice, not a soundtrack. Okay, here goes…

The first thing you have to worry about, if you’re the suspicious playa-hatin’ type girl that you seem to be, is wonder if he’s doing something he doesn’t want you to know about, and therefore won’t call. For example, I know that the sounds of a strip club carry beautifully over most cellular phones, and if your almost-a-boyfriend does too, he probably knows it’s better to miss a phone call then to have the distinct pitch of a twenty being shoved into a G-string carry across the wires. If you think this might be the case, you should do some private investigator/stalker type missions by his house after the missed phone calls. Check if the car is there, look for hoochie hanging out on the porch, that sort of thing.

But let’s take our boy at face value. There are a few ways to go here:

1) The Neurotic Mom approach- Tell him that whenever he says he’s going to call and then doesn’t, you think of him lying in a ditch in dirty underwear. My own mother, Mrs. Phresh, used this tactic pretty successfully for the better part of my teen years. Of course, I’m also now a basket case because of it. Plus, guys usually aren’t thrilled by girls who throw the mothering vibe, especially early in a relationship. This could end up freaking him out a lot more than it helps. At least it shows that you’re concerned about his welfare, though, and not his thoughts on you. By the way, where are all these ditches that people supposedly fall/get thrown into? Jersey?

2) The Pre-Emptive Strike Approach- One-Way to avoid your man missing his phone check-ins is to make the first move. For some reason, girls hate this idea. I don’t know if it’s some archaic notion of proper behavior, or they don’t want to seem stalky (even though you’ll sit in your car to watch what time he comes home), but it freaks many ladies out to call a guy without formerly announcing there intentions for a phone call. Trust me, guys don’t really operate this way. We sort of just pick up the phone when we need to talk to someone, and we don’t normally plug the times of these calls into our File-O-Faxes to remember. Most guys wouldn’t think anything of you calling to say hello. Do try and have a point when you call, though, since most guys aren’t a very big fan of the TPPC (Totally Pointless Phone Call). Then again, if you and your man are clicking, it probably won’t be that hard to generate conversation.

3) The Guy Approach- This is the solution that gets my official endorsement. As I’ve already stated, guys don’t normally operate from the “must make this call at this time” it goes against the prehistoric hunter instinct. Those wooly mammoths didn’t always swing by the rock you were hiding by at a certain time, so when you saw Snuffalufagus, you popped a spear in his ass. Guys aren’t totally clueless about girls though, and they know they’re expected to make a showing on the telephone. The problem comes with follow-through. It’s easy to say “so I’ll call you after 8 tonight.” It’s not always as easy to tear yourself away from the Playstation long enough to make the promised phone call.

An easy way to prevent these missed communications is to tell this boy that he doesn’t have to say he’s going to call you. Something along the lines of “You know, I won’t be disappointed that you didn’t call if I weren’t expecting a phone call in the first place.” This turns a letdown into a pleasant surprise. If you trust and like him enough to not check his clothes for stripper-glitter when he’s out of the room, you shouldn’t have a problem giving up your phone schedule. It’ll let him off the hook, make him a better Madden2004 player, and free you up to worry about other things. Like when to drop the “b” bomb on him.

One other thing I noticed about your letter is that you said he doesn’t have the energy to talk to people sometimes. Is he a coal miner? If not, it’s a little unusual for someone to have so little energy to even muster a phone call. That could be a sign of depression, and it’s something you may want to consider before taking things to that legendary “next level.”

Good luck!

Doug

PS- Got problems? E-mail Doug to ask for advice!