rhinosplode

Albums We Can't Live Without: Palace Viva Last Blues

Palace Music, Palace Brothers, Palace Songs, or simply Palace. Whatever you wish to call them, it’s the work of one man, Louisville singer/songwriter Will Oldham.

On August 21st, 1995, Oldham, along with acclaimed Indie producer Steve Albini, released a collection of songs that celebrate the notion that a record doesn’t need to cost a million dollars or take 2 years to produce. This bare-bones record is entitled Viva Last Blues, and it changed my life.

I was playing pool at a bar called Uptown Lounge in the Mission District of San Francisco the first time I heard it. Someone had put enough cash in the jukebox to play all ten tracks for Viva in order. Right from the beginning Oldham’s teetering voice cracked and relaxed over and over. Track one, “More Brothers Rides,” starts out with an undulating bluesy-ness, created by a piano, an acoustic guitar, a bass, and a simple drum kit. The first thing I noticed was how cool and suiting this song was for the atmosphere of the bar, and then Oldham’s voice leapt up the scale, “There really was one way to be, yet this is not it!” I was hooked.

The crowning moment for me is track 7, New Partner, a song about love lost, mourned, and eventually replaced. At first Oldham’s voice sounds sad and lonely, almost pathetic, as if he were begging for forgiveness, “now you'll haunt me, you'll haunt me / till I've paid for what I've done / it's a payment which precludes the having of fun.” Then his tone abruptly changes and he sounds defiant, “but hello, I've got a new partner riding with me / I've got a new partner, hello.” Suddenly the tone changes again, and he’s happy and bragging, “Now the sun's fading faster, we're ready to go / there's a skirt in the bedroom that's pleasantly low / And the loons on the moor, the fish in the flow / And my friends, my friends still will whisper hello.”

Viva Last Blues is an earthy, honest record that doesn’t toy with crafty instrumentation, mostly because it doesn’t have to. The lyrics are poetic, the vocals are broken, and the accompaniment are there to support those elements. Viva Last Blues is a classic record that will never leave my collection, and I’m very happy that I own it. You should own it and be happy also.

BBS!

The BBS is back.

We were unable to restore old accounts and threads, so it's a clean start.

www.rhinosplode.com/yabbse

SADDAM HUSSEIN DNA TEST RESULTS ANNOUNCED ON SPECIAL EDITION OF ‘THE MAURY POVICH SHOW’

Proven ’99.999%’ to be former dictator of Iraq

In a major daytime television coup, talk-show host Maury Povich obtained exclusive rights to the announcement of the DNA test results proving that the man captured in Iraq outside the city of Tikrit on December 14 is indeed former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein and not one of his many alleged body doubles. The announcement was aired on today’s edition of “The Maury Povich Show.”

The U.S. had earlier released video of Saddam soon after he was taken into custody that showed a U.S. soldier opening Saddam's mouth and swabbing it, presumably to get a DNA sample to prove whether he was in fact the elusive Iraqi dictator who'd been 'on the down low' for eight months. Military officials approved the broadcast, citing the “right of the American people to know” that this was actually Saddam Hussein.

Joined onstage by Iraq, the nation Hussein had oppressed since 1968 when his Ba’ath Party rose to power, a defiant Hussein denied that he was, in fact, the nation’s former dictator, claiming that he had heard from his friend and former Iraqi Foreign Minister Tariq Aziz that Iraq had been “f****** around” with several other strongmen during the time that Hussein was with the nation. “He told me he saw her down at the club gettin’ all freaky with (Libyan dictator) Mohammar Qadaffi! Don’t lie, I found his mirror shades under the bed!”

Hussein also accused Iraq of having had an affair with Kim Jong Il of North Korea, Hafez Al-Assad of Syria, and former Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic. He even alleged that his country obtained its weapons from a brief affair in 1983 with current U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, an allegation greeted with hisses and catcalls from the audience. In a videotaped pre-show interview, Hussein claimed that he was “110% sure” he was not Iraq’s former dictator.

“(Iraq is) just a no good lyin’ ho! Just after my oil money!” Hussein remarked. “Once this test comes back negative, I want (civilian administrator) Paul Bremer out of my life forever!”

As the audience and guests waited with baited breath, Povich made the announcement: “Saddam Hussein, there is a 99.999% probability, that you ARE the former dictator of Iraq!” The studio audience, elated, began cheering, and Iraq, now vindicated, stood up and pointed at Hussein, shouting “I told you! I told you! What’re you gonna do now?” The results of a lie detector test Hussein took were also revealed: Hussein was indeed the former dictator of Iraq, leading the country to tearfully ask “How could you do this to me?”, prompting Hussein to run backstage. Minutes later, Povich joined him and was followed by television cameras. He lectured Hussein that it was time to “take responsibility for (his) actions” and to “be a man.”

Hussein came back on stage and faced Iraq. Clearly humbled, he told the country that he was prepared to “face the consequences” of his actions and to do “whatever it takes” to make things better for its citizens.

President Bush, watching from Camp David, was pleased with the results. “Now we have the proof to hold Saddam Hussein accountable for his actions, and the free, faithful nations of the world will ensure that Iraq will have the support it has so long needed.”

Caitlin Zewe served as a Special Corresponent for this report.

Zeus on the Loose!

Hello! Welcome to the first of a series of columns that I'll be presenting to you as "my little part" of the Rhinosplode experience. I've always fancied myself a pretty good writer; I got "A"s in all of my Creative Writing classes back at Oberlin, but I haven't had many opportunities to exercise the old writing muscles. So I hope you'll bear with me as I share some of my life with all of you!

For this, my first column, I thought it would be appropriate to talk about my perception of Rhinosplode. What is it? And more importantly, where is it heading?

I'll address the easy question first. Rhinosplode is, quite simply, the best-kept secret on the Web. Unlike many other websites, this site has a very small readership. Now, I know that you don't make millions of dollars off something nobody uses, but there is something wonderful and pure about a site that doesn't, as yet, reach the masses.

Where is Rhinosplode going? I've been thinking about this. Recently, in my reading group, we were discussing A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, by Dave Eggers, which is a truly outstanding book. In it, Eggers outlines his vision for his magazine, Might:

Get everyone together...no more waiting...We have a platform from which to risk...Something rare and wonderful...We must do extraordinary things...It would be obscene not to...it so happens I'm already working to change all this, am currently in the middle of putting together something that will address all these issues, that will imnspire millions to greatness, that with [some friends] we're putting something together that will smash all these misconceptions about us, how it'll help us all to throw off the shackles of our supposed obligations, our fruitless career tracks, how we will force, at least urge, millions to live more exceptional lives, to [standing up for effect] do extraordinary things, to travel the world, to help people and start things and end things and build things...

I have done extraordinary things in my life. I've started a profitable company and donated a sizeable percentage of my substantial wealth to worthy charities around the world. I always recycle. I was in the Peace Corps after college. I married, then divorced, the most beautiful woman in North Carolina. I drove cross-country right after I graduated high school, just myself and a couple of friends, and along the way we helped numerous Native Americans rebuild structures on their reservations. My life is my canvas and I paint with every action.

I encourage all of you to spread the word about Rhinosplode. We're about to commence a massive advertising campaign. The goal is ten thousand daily hits by September 1st. It's going to take hard work and dedication, but I know that we're up to it. Also, we have a great advertising agency.

Keep your eyes peeled and tell your friends.

Sincerely,

Zeus Moscow

Wait! Advice: How To Beat Winter Depression

Dear Doug,

In case you haven’t noticed, it’s winter. This means that, emotionally, my life is going to suck for the next three months. As soon as the sky goes gray, the temperature drops below fifty, and everything green dies, I feel like it’s not worth getting out of bed in the morning. I know I should probably see a therapist or doctor or some legitimate professional, but I don't have health insurance, so you'll have to do.

Thanks,

Mopey the Snowman

Dear Mopey,

First, off, I’m an expert, and I have the PhD to prove it...

Now, as to the winter blues…here are eleven ways to beat them. Why eleven? Because, unlike other advice columnists, I give 110 percent baby, WOO HOO!

1. Embrace your depression to the level of the absurd

If you’re going to be bummed out, you might as well take it to the professional level. Start dressing in black as much as possible, keep the entire Smiths catalog on your iPod, and sit in coffee shops smoking Clove cigarettes and writing poetry that embraces uses words like “empty” “lost” and “shattered” as much as possible. Be seen reading Kafka, Plath, and Sartre. When people ask you how you are doing, mention something about wading through the empty currents of life, or just give them a joyless, deadpan stare. Sit in your room, light candles, and listen to Coltrane. Within a week, one of two things will happen: you’ll either feel so ridiculous that you’re violent reaction to over-depression will snap you out of your funk, or you’ll start to like being miserable and unconsciously not really be depressed anymore. In the case of the latter, please try not to go overboard by joining the Joy Division fan club or wearing fishnet shirts, we’re going for pretentious and miserable here, not goth. Nothing is ever so bad you should go goth.

2. Remember adolescence

You think you’re miserable now, mister? Remember when kids picked on you because you forgot to peg your jeans and thought that Jordan was the coolest New Kid? Or how about that time that no one wanted to make out with you and your parents didn’t understand you like Kurt Cobain did? When I get bummed out, I always seem to want to get nostalgic for high school, but then I remember how depressed I was then, and realize that, once you’re in your twenties, it’s Easy Street. There’s a lot of reasons for this…lack of acne, no curfew, easy access to booze, but the bottom line is that you will never be as good at being depressed as you were in high school, so why bother trying?

3. Visit your local pub

Not the local bar, bistro, or brewery, your local pub. How can you tell it’s a pub? It must have dartboards (non-electronic), bartenders that pour a Guinness, wait five minutes, and then serve it, and more kinds of whiskey than beer. Bonus points are given for a fireplace, a resident cat, The Pogues If I Should Fall From Grace With God on the jukebox, and at least one regular who thinks of football as something involving a goalie. These places have been the British Isles’ defense against crappy weather for hundreds of years. The winter blues can’t really get you down if you’re drinking a beer in a warm, cozy place with people that are into communally being comfortable and having a good time. Of course, you may turn into a raging alcoholic, fight a losing war in the Falkland Islands, or seriously contemplate beheading rather than divorcing your wife, but all therapy comes with some sort of risk.

4. Recreate a tropical island in your bathroom

This can be done with a quick trip to a hardware store, grocery store, and music store. Purchase two 50 pound bags of sand, heat lamp bulbs, and tiki torches. At the grocery store, pick up sea salt, pineapples and/or coconuts, and suntan lotion. After this, purchase anything by Bob Marley, Dick Dale, or the Beach Boys. Go home, get out your bathing suit, and put it on. Pour the bags of sand on your bathroom floor, replace your bulbs with the heat lamps, and plug in a boom box (away from the tub! Safety first…) and put on your beach music. Fill tub with lukewarm water and add sea salt. Cut top off of coconut or pineapple and pour beer in. If you have high ceilings, plant and light the tiki torches. For added effect, put blue food coloring into bathtub. Sit in tub and enjoy. If not living alone, leave mess for roommate/parent/significant other to clean up.

5. Launch a secret body modification program

You might as well write winter off as a loss, right? I mean, nothing good happens before April, so start planning for the future. Join a gym. This has multiple benefits. First, the endorphins will give you temporary lifts from your otherwise dreary existence. Second, you’ll be focusing on how great you’ll look come Memorial Day and forget a bit about how shitty January is. Finally, hiding your transforming body under bulky cold weather clothes will allow you to indulge every depressed person’s love of secrecy and conspiracy theories. If you’re already in shape, you could have a beach scene tattooed onto your chest to remind you of better times. In a worst-case scenario, ask a trusted friend to perform an At-Home Lobotomy (plans available for 9.95).

6. Play with puppies and kitties

Do I need to even explain this? Have you walked by a pet store recently? There’s nothing cuter and more fun than a puppy or kitten. That’s why, every morning when I wake up, I look at my poster of the kitten hanging on to the tree limb and say “AWWWW! Man, that’s what it’s all about, hanging in there just like that adorable little kitty.” The one exception to this rule is Koko’s Kitten. That is some sad shit, my friend. But technically, it’s more about a gorilla, so I guess it make sense.

7. Make your bed every morning

I know, when I first heard this one, I thought it was completely idiotic, too, but it really works. My friend Bryan taught it to me, and it has two valuable components. One, within 5 minutes of waking up, you’ve already done something productive with your day, which helps break the depressive lethargy you’re feeling, and two, no matter how bad your day gets, you go into your room, and you’re all like “Well, I may be unemployed and suffering from scabies, but hey, at least my bed’s made.” Try it for a week; see if I’m wrong.

8. Imbibe massive amounts of caffeine

Did you ever notice that it’s nearly physically impossible to be depressed after a cup of coffee? Paranoid, antsy, annoying, and suffering from heart palpitations, yes, but not bummed out. I figure every winter, I drink about 400 pots of coffee. Also, you’re helping out third world agrarian economies and the state of Hawaii! That sort of social commitment can’t do anything but make you glow. Well, actually, it’s the 6000 milligrams of caffeine making you glow, but the social commitment thing sounds nice.

9. Eat citrus fruit

I think that there may actually be scientific evidence behind this one, but I’m writing this on a Saturday, so I’ll be damned if I’m doing any research. When you eat citrus, though, you automatically think of either California or Florida, two places that skip winter. With the exception of grapefruit, citrus leaves a happy-fun taste in your mouth, and if you rub the peels over your nostrils for a few minutes (don’t do this in public, not a good reaction from passers-by), it’s like ghetto aromatherapy. I highly recommend Clementines, as their size and addictiveness allow you to eat 20 or more a day. Crest also makes orange flavored toothpaste now, which is a childhood dream of mine come true. See, would anyone but a REAL giver of advice give you a solution that makes you happy while also promoting sound oral hygiene?

10. Embrace material culture

As everyone probably knows by now, the more stuff you buy and own, the happier you will become. Instead of looking for namby-pamby esoteric reasons to be happy, you should just consume, Consume, CONSUME your way to a better life. I once knew a woman that overcame years of depression by one trip to the Sharper Image. Not only this, but leading this sort of life will probably get you a cabinet post in the Bush regime, make girls that were in the good sororities want to sleep with you, and generally turn your existence into the beer commercial/ hip-hop video you’ve always wanted it to be. Bling, Bling, my friend, Bling, Bling.

11. Hibernate

So as I’m writing this, I got to thinking, who wouldn’t want to lie in bed for a quarter of the year? During naps, I often dream about taking 3 month long naps. Hey, it works for bears, which are furry like monkeys, which are our genetic ancestors, so I’m sure that there’s some scientific evidence for this. At any rate, screw you, I’m going to go take a nap.

Good luck,

Dougey

Need advice? Write to Doug!

Q & A with Mat of MONS

Mat records astonishingly exciting instrumental music as MONS. With influences ranging from contemporary minimalist techno to Prince, the remaster of the theories for lunar formation is something that fans of harsh noise and sweet melodies certainly should pick up.

The ever-cooperative Mat agreed to answer some of my dumb questions via email right before the official release date of the record. Gird your loins and read on, pilgrim...

Why should I review your record?

Why not? There are places on that record that hold very close to me. For
me it's a time in history that I was able to capture on tape, or hard drive
as it ended up being. It's a rather personal and almost biographical time
stamp to where I was at that time when it was recorded. I never really
officially released this record. I only handed it out to a few selected
people. I wasn't ready to divulge this sort of personal information
globally. Actually, I lie. I am releasing this so the IRS doesn't audit my
record label. That and it was one more excuse to push back my third record's
release.

It's a remaster, right? Why?

Well, it's a RE-everything. Not completely. I had originally released this
CD back 4 years ago when I was in college. I use the work "released" very
loosely. I designed the artwork with a text editor in the computer lab of
my school. So in staying true to the original plan, we redesigned it.
Completely. The new artwork turned out phenomenally. Emily kicked ass.
And if you are wondering what the front cover is, it' an oscilloscope. I
also fixed up the audio a bit. Not that I have anything against Hewson
Chen, but he was very busy at the time with his band Vitesse and didn't have
the time to really get that involved with my record, as much as I had hoped.
He basically dropped off the digital 4 track and said, "Write me some pop
tunes." I kid you not. Anyways, I didn¹t edit or remix it. I cleaned up
some of the audio and tweaked some EQ to make it a bit more un-listenable.
It was a quasi-makeover. And since I was finally releasing this CD to the
public a makeover was absolutely necessary. In that Steven Cojocaru kind of
way.

Why the name "Mons"? Why not just call the band "Mat"?

Why not? I love Latin. Black Francis (Frank Black) wrote a song that took
place on the Olympus Mons. Or at least was about. It's a set back to
middle school. It's almost an ongoing theme of feeling like you don't quite
fit in to a puzzle. In that high school angst kind of way. And if I called
it "Mat" - they'd just be saying "where's the extra t"--I would not be able
to handle that.

Wait, aren't you kind of obsessed with the whole Olympus Mons thing?

That too. Yes, I have a fascination with Mars and especially the Olympus
Mons. It was a volcano, it's now a mountain on Mars. The largest one, in
fact. I'd like to live there at some point.

How was your poo today?

I haven't had one yet today. How was yours? I am hoping to have a nice and
satisfying one in the next hour or so. My body still needs to wake up.
It's almost warmed up.

What else do I need to know?

Well, this record is a crazy thing. It's a part of me I am finally and
completely proud of. In retrospect, it's not as loud and noisy as I planned
it to be. There is still a sonic and analog richness that is still there.
You just have to dig down a few layers. Even 3 years later, you can still
hear it. No there's no extra DVD with studio sessions of me smoking the
crack pipe and fist fighting with my producer, but you can just imagine that for
yourself. This is real music. From a real label that I am proud of.

Let's talk about the record label. This is the first release, right?

This is the first official release coming from Olympus Mons Records. That
is affirmative. Almost 3 years in the works.

What else is in the pipeline?

Well, I am getting involved with a few projects here in DC. I am getting
involved with this very classically trained guitarist and a Casio tweaking
synth guy from Virginia. We're going to be messing with Casio SK1's and
working with super8 film projections. Hopefully that will see the light of
day by spring. Outside of that, my old friend from my early college days is
coming to town in late January to record with me. Not sure if this will be
for Olympus Mons Records. But it's entirely possible. It's a Brian Wilson
a la synth and drone project. So it might work. Other than that, my friend
Al has been putting his music to the test for a year or so now, and has
finally sent me rough mixes and I was completely floored. Almost
overwhelmed. With all due respect to him, I wasn¹t expecting the gems I
received. So we're going to re-record some drums and polish a bit of it up
and perhaps release an EP of sorts. Maybe a full-length. He still has to
come up with a killer name. I was in a drum & bass outfit (The Silver
Sessions) a few months ago until the drummer moved back home, so there might
be a record in store for that, depending on our schedules. And we are
working with Mark D. [ex-Soul Coughing] in getting out band called Tempo Team. It's basically
him and Sebastian and Yuval Gabay guests on drums with Mimi (from Low) on a
vocal track or two. Dan Quayle is sampled on there, and it's pretty great.
Fist we were thinking of a 7" series, but then we decided not to loose that
much money. Then a double CD EP release was the thought. And last time we
talked it's on to a full length CD. I haven't heard from Mark in a bit as
he's really swamped yet focused with film scores. It will come out in due
time. But in the immediate future. Re-release of my 2nd record (MONS) will
be due out 24nov2003. Shortly after December my 1st record will be
re-released and then after the new year my 3rd record will finally see the
light of day. So after that be on the lookout for Al's record.

Why did you decide to start your own label?

Why does one get up in the morning? I felt it was something I had to do.
People say, "How can you buy CDs for $15.99?" "Join my coalition against the
RIAA!" etc...etc... And you know, it's all just a bunch of bullshit. So
yeah, everyone has their battles and I just tell those people, "I started my
own label to fight the PMRC or the RIAA or the AARP," just to get them off
my back. I don't pay 18.99 for a CD. I don't care about the RIAA. It just
doesn't affect me. If it does and you're pissed, buy used CDs. There are
tons of alternatives outside of complaining and saying other organizations
are bad. One of my many pet peeves as it's easier to point a finger than to
make some action. But yeah, it really just comes from an internal need to
create. And creating wonderful things is what it's all about.

Are you accepting demos and whatnot? If so, how do people get 'em to you?

I completely accept demos. Lyricless music always makes me turn it up
louder. But don¹t let that turn you away from it. Honestly at this point
I'd either rather have a more polished recording or unless you live in the
area and want to record at my Skylab Studios. A demo has such a bad stigma
attached to it. If sending me something, do not email me mp3s or send me a
link to mp3s or streaming audio. Outside of the audio horror, I like
getting a completely uncompressed recording and listening to it on my own
time. In the car, when baking bread, on the shitter, etc...

I've gained some weight. Do you still find me attractive?

There is nothing wrong with a little pudge. A good tummy leads to a good
personality. And yes, there is a great Yiddish proverb for that: Love is
sweet, but tastes the best with bread. I like to live by that.

MONS's the theories for lunar formation is available on CDBaby. More information on MONS can be found at olympusmonsrecords.com. To get in touch with Mat, visit olympus-mons.com, a superior weblog/BBS/photo gallery thing.