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Dear Doug,
I have a question with national security implications. A few weeks ago, I met a guy at a bar who was in the Army. We hung out for a few days and everything was awesome. Then he told me he was leaving for Army Ranger camp. I was having a bad day, plus I was kind of freaked out that this guy I like was gonna get killed, so when he said it would be dangerous, I remarked "What, you're going to fall on your backpack?" I think he was kind of annoyed, and I've only heard from him once since he left. What's your take on the whole situation?
GI Jane
Dear Jane,
I totally know what you're going through. Once I had this really big crush on Scarlett from GI Joe, and I had to work at processing the same sorts of feeling as I watched this awesome girl dodge pink and blue laser bolts every afternoon. But this isn't about me, and therapist says I'm not really ready to talk about Scarlett with others...
So in case you didn't know, people in the military tend to have a lot of pride about what they do. You know, defending the country, dodging bullets, jumping out of planes. They also really like to play up the fact that what they do is really dangerous. When you made light of the danger your little Army Boy was in, it probably deflated his ego quite a bit. I think he was probably looking for a gushy response from you, something along the lines of "Oh my god, don't go, it's too dangerous!" That way he could have something macho like, "Don't worry baby, I'm tough, I can handle it." That's another thing, a lot of military types are also pretty macho. Your best bet would be to tell your GI Joe that you were actually kind of scared that something might happen to him (you know, there IS a war going on) and that you picked an inappropriate way to show it. I wouldn't worry too much about it if he isn't calling you on a regular basis. As far as I know, Army Rangers don't get a whole lot of free time during their training.
There's also a deeper issue here, too. If you and Army Boy (or, in Avrilese, Armi Boi) hit and off, are you equipped to deal with dating someone whose job involves dodging bullets and killing people. It's one thing to wonder if your boyfriend is cheating on you when he says he's working late. It's another to wonder if he's stepping on a land mine. I know lots of girls are attracted to soldiers, sailors, cops, and firefighters, but these are also the same guys that end up with some of the highest divorce rates. These types of guys don't separate themselves from the job that well, and I think you need to be prepared for the baggage that goes along with being a soldier's girlfriend. If you like guys in uniform, have you considered that Maytag repairman? I know he's a little older, but hey, he's got stable income apparently.
At any rate Jane, good luck with the guy in the fatigues. It could be worse, you could have fallen for Cobra Commander. And knowing IS half the battle...
Doug
PS: This column is dedicated to Scarlett, the hottest GI Joe ever.
Famed and controversial diet guru Dr. Robert Atkins was murdered today at his home in upstate New York. He was 74. Multiple witnesses saw Cap’n Crunch, infamous Scourge of the Soggies and commander of the S.S. Guppy, fleeing from the scene.
Police found Atkins’ body inside his home submerged in a tub filled with milk. Several Soggies—previously archenemies of Crunch—were arrested at the scene. “We believe that the unusual circumstances of the downturn of the fortunes of the Soggies as well as the Cap’n led to this unlikely alliance,” one police officer told us on condition of anonymity. “We think we have a clear motive established.”