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At a press conference today, President Bush announced the technical specifications for the long-anticipated missile defense system. A follow-up to the aborted "SDI" plans of the Reagan years, Bush promised a solid, reliable means of national protection.
"Our five great cities are of vital importance to us," Bush stated. "Protection of each of these centers must be our top priority."
The missile defense plan, as described by the President, consists of large scale anti-ballistic missile artillery designed to knock missiles directly out of the sky as their warheads begin dropping to the surface. "The power of these munitions cannot be understated," Bush explained. "The blast range from a single shot can wipe out two or even three missiles at once!"
"In an aggressive assault, we can expect wave after wave of missiles to fall upon our cities, each wave faster and more intense than the last. In addition, we must be prepared for enemy smart bombs, explosives which seemingly defy physics and float earthward in an unpredictable trajectory."
In a worst case scenario, Bush said, one or more of our great cities could be lost, but after two or three waves of missiles, we would likely be able to rebuild those cities to their original state. "In that case, all of our resources would be dedicated to guarding the remaining cities. In a way, this is advantageous, as we would not have to pay attention to missiles falling on that end of the guarded territory."
Democrats and other opponents of the plan objected to the missile defense plan, saying it smacks of scientific misjudgment and optimistic projections. "Our nation can not count on this plan to defend us from rogue nation missiles, the same way we naively went along with the President’s plan to defend the planet from asteroid strikes with a small, three sided warship," Senate majority leader Tom Daschle said today. "While the President’s plans to assist in massive centipede destruction and frog road-crossings have been successful, the defense of our nation cannot be left in the hands of such speculative hogwash."
The White House refused to comment on Daschle’s statement, saying that they prefer to focus on more important matters, such as protecting our citizens from alien abduction and mutation.
Megan, please help me. I'm having an identity crisis.
Here's the problem: I work for a company that is a government contractor. In fact, my salary is pretty much paid for by the Department of Labor. All day, every day, I work for the government, the Man if you will. But here's the catch: I listen to lots of punk rock music. For example, as I'm typing this at work, I'm listening to a compilation of 80's West Coast Punk. This compilation includes songs such as "I Don't Wanna Die For My Country" by the Square Cools, "Fuck You Amerika" by 7 Seconds, "Don't Conform" by 5th Column, and "Worker Bee" by Angst. Many of these songs are anti-government (and there are many analogies drawn between Ronald Regan and Darth Vader). So my question is, am I really punk? Or am I the least punk of them all? If that is the case, what can I do to regain my punkness (excluding arson and assasination, please).
Also, does the fact that the president is a Republican effect my situation?
Please advise. I'm just about ready to hang up my boots and studded belt and go buy a Yanni double CD.
-Angry, Young, and Punk (maybe?)
Dear Possibly-Punk,
WAIT! No need for Yanni, or worse yet, any of those books written on the government sector from the viewpoint of the "first animal". Do NOT, I repeat, consider yourself the sold-out Blink-182 of the punk community. The fact that you are even having this crisis makes you a Ramone at heart.
With that said, self-awareness is the first step to "refinding" yourself. Although your job may be an ideological compromise, think of it this way -- you are beating the Man at his own game. Infiltrating from the inside. People like you in semi-important places could create the changes with the system that your social movement so desperately craves. Furthermore, you are paying off college loans ( from the government) with its own money -- which leaves you to open up that studded dog collar shop you always dreamed off and maybe some extra cash to wreak havoc and positively influence future generations of young, disenchanted punk-youth.
Although your job sounds semi-temporary in the first place, if these possibilities don't entice you, look for other, less "compromising" employment. Start paper shredding important invoices from the government. Send threatening e-mails to co-workers and the Republicans in office. Buy even HEAVIER boots. Write the "punk manifesto". Just don't light anything on fire.