Wait! Advice
Getting Honey Where I'm Getting Money
by Doug Elmer

Dear Doug,

I’m a paralegal at one of the top law firms in New York City. For over a year, I’ve been secretly dating one of the young associates at the firm. Even though dating a co-worker is not against company policy, he insists upon keeping the relationship a secret because he feels it will damage his career if people find out. Even though we live together now, he often makes me take separate trains to work “just in case someone sees us together.” I love my boyfriend, but am getting sick of hiding our relationship and ducking into corners when we see people from work out in public. We’ve discussed the matter several times, but cannot reach a resolution. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Lawyer Lover

Dear Lover,

The good news is that your situation is not all that uncommon. After college, many of us find that, if we’re lucky enough to get a job these days, most of the social (and ultimately romantic) connections we make are with co-workers. That means that dating within the office isn’t frowned on the way it used to be during our parents’ entry-level years.

What’s the bad news then? Your boyfriend is either insecure about his work, his social class, or he’s just a friggin’ idiot. Realistically, if he was uncomfortable dating a co-worker, he should have ended your relationship long before the moving in together stage. But he didn’t, so now you have to figure out what to do. Do you think that your boyfriend would be as worried about dating another lawyer? Does it have anything to do with each of your relative standing on the employment food chain at the firm? If so, you really need to think twice about dating such an elitist asshole.

But maybe he’s not an elitist, maybe he’s just being paranoid, right? In that case, you might want to mention to your boyfriend that he’s making your relationship seem far more illicit than it really is by hiding it. Anyone who has worked with more than two other people knows all about the office rumor mill. You guys may not know it, but chances are some of your co-workers have guessed that you’re dating, and they probably felt it was their duty to tell everyone else. In my experience, no how many secret routes you take to work, or how many phone booths you have to hide in when a senior partner sees you at dinner, people joined at the heart and/or genitals give off a certain vibe that most people can pick up pretty easily. If the two of you are open about your relationship around the office (while of course maintaining proper etiquette-no nookie on the conference table), your boyfriend would probably be surprised at how accepting everyone is of the two of you dating.

What you have to ask yourself ultimately is this: Do you want to be dating a guy that isn’t proud of the catch he’s landed? If you’re in the right kind of relationship with the right person, they should be pretty psyched about telling everyone they know about their significant other. Trust me, I have to sit through hearing about it far too often with all of the happy romantics that I know. If he can’t demonstrate that you’re important enough to come out of the office closet for, maybe you need to move on. You deserve someone who isn’t afraid to say how lucky they are to be dating you. Ever consider leaving him for an advice columnist?

Good luck, sista!

Doug

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August 08, 2002 06:06 PM