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Six-time Cy Young Award winner Roger Clemens has tested positive for Krispy Kreme donuts, according to a report to be released later today by Major League Baseball. Recent testing reportedly detected unusually high levels of complex sugars and fats that are indicative of Krispy Kreme use.
Clemens maintains that the positive result was an error, and points to his rigorous offseason workout regimen as proof. "I'm a competitor, and I would never risk jeopardizing my pitching arm or my career by pumping my body full of yummy glazed confections," Clemens said.
Experts say the likely reason for Clemens's Krispy Kreme use was to build mass in his buttocks and thighs, enabling him to drive with greater strength and add speed to his fastball. Critics have long speculated about the 300-game winner's dramatically expanding posterior over the years, and most feel his exercise justification alone is not sufficient to explain the increase in mass.
One league official, speaking on condition of anonymity remarked, "When you see a player putting on 20 lbs. in the offseason, it's just hard to believe it was solely exercise and not donut-aided." Doctors have warned that long-term Krispy Kreme use has dangerous side effects such as heart disease, diabetes, and an accumulation of fat in the upper-torso region known as "bitch tits."
Additionally, Clemens's Yankees teammates Jason Giambi and David Wells tested positive for bacon and beer, respectively. Yankees owner George Steinbrenner disputes the testing results and claims he had put his team on the low-fat low-sugar South Beach Diet this past season.
The current junk food abuse allegations against the Yankees are not the first in recent history. Charges of beef-doping dogged future Hall of Famer Tony Gwynn throughout his career; however, he never tested positive for anything more than Pepsi. There was also the infamous Detroit Manwich Scandal of 1992, in which sluggers Cecil Fielder and Rob Deer were found to be ingesting massive quantities of sloppy joes. Philadelphia Phillies player John Kruk would openly keep cheese fries in his locker in full view of the media.
Since more than 5% of a sample survey of Major League Baseball players have tested positive for junk food, mandatory testing of all players will go into effect. A new test to detect a previously unknown designer form of beef jerky will be added for next season.
Additional reporting by Peter Baker.
Posted by emory at November 23, 2003 05:43 PMYea i heard larry allen uses this diet to gain weight on his bench press, he says it puts muscle on his chest. I personally think no one can bench that with out uses this. I compare this to barry bonds using roids. Look forward to hearing from you
Posted by: JIM at May 6, 2004 03:06 PMYes Larry Allen is definetly going to test positive for high blood sugar. He will probably not be able to play this season because of the infraction. He would not be able to hold his strength if he let off this "Krispy Cream "diet , ao i consider his career over.
On another Cowboys note Jerry Jones life is cut in half because of the extreme amout of face-lifts he has had. They are predicting he will be dead in 8 -10 years and the NFL will be better off with the silicone content at an all time low once he does leave office.